I recently read that if we take everything that we believe and throw it out, what is left over is truth. We have to get rid of all the old baggage if we hope to be able to enter into the fifth dimension where everything is unconditional love.
In all the research that I have done, this seems to be the message. However, I haven’t read very much at all about how hard this cleansing would be. Frankly, to those of you that have figured it out and can remain unaffected by the intensity of the energy, I salute you and call you Jesus.
It is not my nature to snivel. Rather, this cleansing, or an energy that with out mercy, will push you to the edge and keep pushing with no letting up, until you completely surrender and let go of your baggage. You think that you have been hurt in the past; or, you think that you have lived a decent life and your opinions are justified? You begin to question your whole belief system, God and everything that you have ever known. Then to top it off, you find out that all the people that are close to you, think that you are “not balanced!”
The more you try to explain what you mean, the deeper the hole that your digging gets. I have never felt so alone and helpless in my life. I couldn’t make any sense out of anything, and when I tried, I would get so nervous that I thought I was loosing it all together. I asked for help, but no one took me seriously because I have always been strong, and my family knew that I would always take care of everything.
I was ok one moment and screaming the next. Finally, one night I was talking to my daughter and everything was fine. Suddenly, I verbally attacked her for no reason. I removed myself and went into my room. I lost it and didn’t know how to fix it, but even I could see that this was not normal behavior.
The next morning, I got up and got dressed, and my daughter and her two kids were very quiet and sitting in the living room. They were probably afraid to open their mouth. I kissed each one of them and walked out the door and drove off.
I could not get a grip. I realized that I needed help so I called my Doctor and she was on vacation, so I made an appointment for Monday. I knew that everything that I was experiencing and going through was about me and no one else. I knew that I had to own up to my actions and take responsibility for all of it, but that didn’t seem to help. I tried praying and that didn’t help.
I finally reached a point that I couldn’t feel any emotion at all. I cried and cried and tried to connect to anything and I felt abandoned. I sat there staring at nothing for two and a half hours. I couldn’t think, or move.
While all this was going on, my family was growing more concerned by the hour but they didn’t know what to do either. My brother talked to someone we know that works with suicidal teens, and he said that he thought that I was having a nervous break down and needed to be on medication like Prozac and attend serious therapy.
NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I knew deep down that what I was experiencing was for a reason, I also knew I had to go through it so that I could finally surrender and let go of all the crap that was only slowing down my spiritual growth. It didn’t matter, it was still pure hell. I remembered my mother telling me before she died that I would be tested to my very core to see if my faith would stand firm. I told myself over and over that it will pass, and to just ride the wave.
As I sat in the desert in my car, numb from tears, and unintentionally, I was in a deep meditative state. My cell phone rang but I couldn’t answer it. Awhile later, when I checked my voice mail, it was my healing. It was my husband. He was crying and very worried about me. I really didn’t even hear the words he was saying. It was his love and the sincerity of a pure heart that I felt. I have never felt any thing quite like that before. I began to cry and as the tears flowed down my face, so did all the anger, and the hurt. His love healed my heart, and I have been absolutely fine since.
I know that you who are reading this can not begin to feel how devastating this was on me and the people that I love. I am sharing my experience so that when you have to walk yours, perhaps you will remember this and hang on for your life because it will pass.
By the way, I did go to the Doctor, and she is testing me for any chemical imbalance that may have caused this. I doubt there will be any imbalance. I went to Brain State to balance my brain.
If you live in southeastern Arizona, and you begin your bumpy ride, I highly recommend Dr Meg Gilbert. She is a Naturopathic Doctor in Patagonia Arizona, and she is wonderful. And, she doesn’t think that I am crazy at all.
Until next time
Peace
Liz
Follow Us!