Last week’s article (‘Pardon Me…Your Past is Showing’) talked about taking care of unfinished business. This week continues that vein and is about boundaries.
Many of us (my hand is raised) have difficulty in setting personal boundaries; and, if we do set them, we often have troubles sticking to them.
We each have the right, and responsibility, to set boundaries in our life; it would be better if we set them up (and kept them) before we allow ourselves to get to the point of feeling hopelessness, frustrated, angry, resentful or completely stressed out.
I suggest you sit quietly, with pen and paper, and investigate…within. Write down that which makes you feel ‘used’, like a doormat; dumped on; or something you really detest. What kind of energy do you NOT want in your life anymore? What kind of boundary, or boundaries, can you set up to keep the unwanted, unhealthy energies out of your field/life?
“What if I am stuck with having to deal with so-and-so because s/he is my boss/parent/sibling, etc?”
You can still set boundaries, and you needn’t get stressed about it; nor do you need to get aggressive about it; you just need to re-empower yourself in a constructive manner.
One light example: Every week I wash clothes. I always wash the whites last. In the past, after dinner, I would sit on the couch with my basket and sort everyone’s socks and fold whites.
When each child was old enough, they would be instructed on how to wash their own clothes; their whites were welcomed to be washed with mine.
When the empty nest came, I would wash and dry the whites, put them in a basket…and there they sat. I detested matching socks and folding whites. I quit; I just forgot to mention it to my husband.
After about a year, he asked me something along the lines of, “Why do the whites just sit in the basket?” (He is so very patient with me!) It was asked without anger or frustration.
I smiled up at him and told him, “I’ve matched socks and folded whites since I was a teen – I am sick of them and don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t mind washing them, I just don’t like folding them.”
He shrugged and said, “Okay, I’ll do them. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
Yes, why didn’t I?
Though this is not an extreme example – it really is okay to say “No”, and if that’s too direct, there are numerous constructive ways to enforce boundaries.
I encourage those who feel they are not able to constructively (not destructively or harmfully) set boundaries, please see a board certified counselor; they usually can help you to help yourself.
If no boundaries are set, and maintained, we are bound to repeat that unhealthy energy over and over again – and we really don’t need that anymore.
Setting boundaries is part of taking care of unfinished business – it is something that has been put off and it’s now time to take care of it.
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